That’s a big, big Superbowl.

Now, I’m not a huge football fan. In fact everything I know about football I’ve learned from playing football video games and, to a lesser extent, from playing on the Grafton High School JV squad my Sophomore year. I was a skinny and unathletic kid. I didn’t even like football. As near as I can tell, I only strapped that 10 pound helmet on to impress my brother and to try to meet girls. I failed on both counts and went through ten weeks of heck on that team without even learning the basics of the game.

But anyway, even though I’m not a big football fan, I still tune in like most of America and watch the Super bowl. This year I watched the big game on a big screen at a big place in Belltown called the The Big Picture.

The big screen at the Big Picture is about 30 feet across. Which gave me a big headache as soon as the big, big ads started to play. Why did these big ads give me such a big headache? Because, in my not so humble opinion, those big ads are a big, big, big waste of money.

The Theory goes like this:

The Super bowl is the most-watched television event of the year. Hundreds of millions of Americans tune in to see the game and, even better, a big chunk of them tune in just to see the ads. “The ads are the program,” these advertisers tell themselves. “People are actually eager to see us! This is a big opportunity to build our brands!”

So big ticket advertisers pay millions of dollars per spot. They spend millions of dollars a spot to talk to America. And what do they tell America?

Uh. Good question.

I watched the game end to end (the ‘Hawks played well. The refs made some bad calls. Pittsburgh has an amazing quarterback.) I saw every ad. But sitting here now, a couple hours later, all I remember is the comedy of pain. I remember

-A guy in a lawn chair falling through a house. (I think this was a beer commercial. I can’t remember which beer.)
-Office workers fighting toe to toe for beer bottles hidden like Easter eggs. (Again, I couldn’t name the beer.)
-Monkeys in an office. (Some job search site. Which one? Not sure. I’ll guess Monster, though I think I’m wrong.)
-Jay Moore being Diet Pepsi’s agent. (At least I remember the product, but I’m sure not about to go buy Pepsi instead of my beloved Sprite.)
-Some absurdist Burger King theatre (Funny, but does this really move big macs? Err. I mean Whoppers?)
-A big Robot and a Giant monster giving birth to a Hummer. (So, the core benefit of a Hummer is that it’s monstrous? I really thought this was going to be a hybrid ad.)

I’m sure I could dig through my brain and come up with a few more, but the point is this: Most of these ads aren’t selling anything. Most of these ads are comedy sketches dressed up like marketing because the Madison Avenue pros who put these spots together think that being laughed at is the same thing as building a brand. Most of these ads are pointless and utterly ineffective and all of these ads (including the few that were actually on topic) are going to lose money for the people who paid to have them produced.

It’s enough to make an ethical marketer cry.

I can only hope that there’s a special corner of marketing hell set aside for the media buyers and spiky-haired creatives who suggest massively expensive Super bowl ads as a “great way to get your name out there” and to “convert brand loyalty” or whatever other jargon they use to justify their existence.

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