I’m a big fan of Glaceau’s Vitamin Water. In fact, I hand over two of my hard earned dollars every day at my yoga class just so I can quench my thirst on their “Essential Orange” mix.
What I’m not a fan of is the copy on the Glaceau fridge case. Why? Because it uses math to lie to you.
Or, well, if not lie, at least to obscure the truth.
Here’s what the case says:
“Smart Water: No Water Hydrates Faster. No Water Hydrates Better.”
Let’s parse this clever bit of ad copy, shall we? What is it really saying? To find out, we’re going to have to do a little math (yay, variables!)
“No Water” basically means every other brand and kind of water in the world. So let’s say that “No Water” is “W.”
Glaceau is saying that “No Water” Hydrates faster or better than their Smart Water, so let’s say that Smart Water is “S.”
Taking that first sentence, we can lay it out as “No Water hydrates faster than Smart Water Does.”
Which translates to:
S (is equal to or greater than) W when it comes to speed of hydration.
So where’s the problem?
Well, S (is equal to or greater than) W, basically means that Vitamin water is just like, err, water.
Without the magic of a clever copywriter, Glaceau is basically saying “Our water is just as good as other waters out there and maybe better than others.”
Why? Well, because water is water. And because they aren’t able to say they’re the best.
Anyway. It’s an old trick and a lame one. I say avoid it and shame on you Glaceau. Shame on you.
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Dominic Canterbury and I are teaching a Class tonight. We’re all full up, but if you ask very, very nicely we might have room for one or two more.
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The thirteenth issue of Hard Working Words, the newsletter was sent out just moments ago. If you didn’t get it, maybe you should sign up.
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There was a time that the surest way to sell to the masses was to hype the heck out of your product; to say every possible (and a few impossible) good thing about what you were selling in order to pry money from your prospect and to position it as God’s own shampoo.
But what about today? What about 2006? What about selling to a buying public who, quite frankly, is suffering from Hype Fatigue?
In my opinion (and why the heck are you here if you don’t want my opinion) marketers who are hype dependent today are shooting themselves in the foot. Can they make a sale once? Sure. Maybe. If they do it right and sell to an easily manipulated audience. But hype is a dangerous thing: if you don’t live up to it, people notice. And once they notice that your shampoo does not, as advertised, give your hair an angelic sheen, improve your sex life and infuse your scalp with a pleasant vibrating sensation, well, you can count the odds of that customer coming back to you again on 0 fingers.
Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to SELL your product, just that there’s a difference between selling and hyping. Selling is taking honest benefits and presenting them to the customer in a compelling way. Hyping is . . .well, often times hyping is lying.
So, what do you think? Is hype dead?
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Well, this isn’t exactly work related, but check out “Cherub: The Vampire with Bunny Slippers.
When I’m not expounding wildly on marketing theory or writing frighteningly effective marketing materials for my clients I do a little acting. And thanks to the magic of podcasting, my little acting is now all over the internet.
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I was having a drink with a friend (and fellow copywriter) last night when she asked me a question. She said “Chris, do you consider yourself more of a salesman or more of a writer or something right between?”
My answer?
“Err. Ahh. Both?”
I’ve been writing since I was a small, small child and selling (even when I didn’t want to call it selling) almost as long. Now, I’ve met copywriters and even marketers who think sales is a dirty word. My advice to you, dear reader? If you ever run into a copywriter who doesn’t consider himself a salesman, run, don’t walk, the other way.
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Now, I’m not a huge football fan. In fact everything I know about football I’ve learned from playing football video games and, to a lesser extent, from playing on the Grafton High School JV squad my Sophomore year. I was a skinny and unathletic kid. I didn’t even like football. As near as I can tell, I only strapped that 10 pound helmet on to impress my brother and to try to meet girls. I failed on both counts and went through ten weeks of heck on that team without even learning the basics of the game.
But anyway, even though I’m not a big football fan, I still tune in like most of America and watch the Super bowl. This year I watched the big game on a big screen at a big place in Belltown called the The Big Picture.
The big screen at the Big Picture is about 30 feet across. Which gave me a big headache as soon as the big, big ads started to play. Why did these big ads give me such a big headache? Because, in my not so humble opinion, those big ads are a big, big, big waste of money.
The Theory goes like this:
The Super bowl is the most-watched television event of the year. Hundreds of millions of Americans tune in to see the game and, even better, a big chunk of them tune in just to see the ads. “The ads are the program,” these advertisers tell themselves. “People are actually eager to see us! This is a big opportunity to build our brands!”
So big ticket advertisers pay millions of dollars per spot. They spend millions of dollars a spot to talk to America. And what do they tell America?
Uh. Good question.
I watched the game end to end (the ‘Hawks played well. The refs made some bad calls. Pittsburgh has an amazing quarterback.) I saw every ad. But sitting here now, a couple hours later, all I remember is the comedy of pain. I remember
-A guy in a lawn chair falling through a house. (I think this was a beer commercial. I can’t remember which beer.)
-Office workers fighting toe to toe for beer bottles hidden like Easter eggs. (Again, I couldn’t name the beer.)
-Monkeys in an office. (Some job search site. Which one? Not sure. I’ll guess Monster, though I think I’m wrong.)
-Jay Moore being Diet Pepsi’s agent. (At least I remember the product, but I’m sure not about to go buy Pepsi instead of my beloved Sprite.)
-Some absurdist Burger King theatre (Funny, but does this really move big macs? Err. I mean Whoppers?)
-A big Robot and a Giant monster giving birth to a Hummer. (So, the core benefit of a Hummer is that it’s monstrous? I really thought this was going to be a hybrid ad.)
I’m sure I could dig through my brain and come up with a few more, but the point is this: Most of these ads aren’t selling anything. Most of these ads are comedy sketches dressed up like marketing because the Madison Avenue pros who put these spots together think that being laughed at is the same thing as building a brand. Most of these ads are pointless and utterly ineffective and all of these ads (including the few that were actually on topic) are going to lose money for the people who paid to have them produced.
It’s enough to make an ethical marketer cry.
I can only hope that there’s a special corner of marketing hell set aside for the media buyers and spiky-haired creatives who suggest massively expensive Super bowl ads as a “great way to get your name out there” and to “convert brand loyalty” or whatever other jargon they use to justify their existence.
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The Biznik blog features an interview with Roboticat’s own Daniel Talsky. Daniel is a friend and colleague (he set up the blog you’re reading right now) and has taught me more about social networking and the web than I can recount here. Check out the interview. It’s a good one.
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The first thing that turned me on to Biznik was its tagline. It’s way up there on the top of the page all proud and unabashed. It says “Finally, a business networking group that doesn’t suck.”
That tag line is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. And I knew right when I read it that I’d be joining up and diving in.
Last night I went to the first “Biznik development meeting.” Which basically boiled down to eight of us sitting around a real estate office conference room, drinking wine, snacking on crackers and talking about how we’re going to take over the world. Mark my words, friends, Biznik is something special and Biznik is going somewhere.
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I love birthdays. Love them. I love cake. I love silly hats. I love very small presents wrapped cunningly in very big boxes. I just love birthdays. And today? Today will be known far and wide as the birthday of the all new (all different) Hard-Working Words blog.
So grab a kazoo, take a big bite of imaginary word cake and kick back. Say hi. Leave a comment. Years from now, when HWW: The Blog has taken over the world, you’ll be able to look back and say “hey, I was there way back before the HWW revolution.”
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