It’s The Story, Stupid (Or Why I Didn’t Like “Alice In Wonderland”)

I went to see “Alice In Wonderland” last weekend.

It was a bad movie.

It was pretty to look at, sure. But in that vacuous, crazy way Hollywood seems to prefer these days. Pretty like an ice sculpture. Pretty like a punch in the face.

But bloodless in the purest sense. It lacked anything resembling life.

I saw it at the Imax. My girlfriend and I got there late and had to stand up and dance around in the back of the theater at first. Then we saw seats way down in front of the screen. We snuck like sneaky rabbits, hunched down in our seats and stared up at the God-sized face of Johnny Depp.

And we were dazzled and bored.

BORED.

BORED.

It’s pretty amazing to me that someone can spend THAT much money and THAT much time on something so . . . slight.

The “plot” of the movie is that it’s been 13 years since Alice’s first trip to Wonderland. She’s 19 now, thin and whispy and scheduled to be married to a weak-chinned noble.

He proposes to her at a big party with all her friends and several of her enemies. They stand in a gazebo. He gets on one knee.

And she dashes off into the woods to follow a rabbit.

Then . . .

Well, stuff happens. Not much of it memorable. There’s cakes and tea and sword fights and lots of CGI.

I guess one of the “cool things” about this movie is supposed to be that it’s a blend of live action and animation. And that it’s SEAMLESS.

I guess it is . . . but do we really care? Oh! Look! It’s Johnny Depp and a bunch of animated playing cards with spears! Whoopty! Why is the bunny a better actor than Alice? Strange.

At the beginning of the story, you learn that (for some reason) It’s Alice’s “destiny” to get hold of the Vorpal Sword and Slay the Jabberwocky on (something that starts with an F) day.

And so, dutifully, the plot pushes on. Alice meets some creatures. She gets the Vorpal sword. There’s some small, unbelievable doubt that she might not be the RIGHT Alice. But there’s no OTHER Alice in the movie, and nobody really takes that seriously, not even her.

At the end, the Red Queen and her army of playing cards approaches the White Queen (a stoned Anne Hathaway) in force. Animated soldiers face off. Johnny throws his hat.

And the champions march onto the field.

On the white side we have Alice.

She’s wearing armor (nobody ever explains what the armor is about.)

She has a shield.

She carries the Vorpal sword . . . .

On the red side, the Jabberwocky.

It’s big and mean. It’s a dragon. Fin Fang Foom.

Now, early on in the story the Red Queen is told that the prophesy says that Alice will kill the Jabberwocky on the (F day) with the Vorpal sword.

By the time the “climax” comes upon us, it is (F DAY), Alice has the Vorpal sword . . .

You’d think she’d be smart and leave the Jabberwocky at home. She seems really fond of her Jabberwocky and I’m pretty sure you can’t just go on Amazon and get another one.

But no.

As the champions approach each other the one truly cool moment of the movie happens. It’s a moment that hints at a much BETTER movie that simply didn’t get made. I’m sure there’s a script for this better movie out there somewhere. This script for a better movie got savaged and thrashed and mutated and maligned.

But this one tiny scene from this better movie goes like this . .  .

SCARY! Wonder what his story is. Why didn't Tim Burton tell me?

Jabberwocky: “So we meet again on the field of battle, my old enemy.”

Alice: “We’ve met before?”

Jabberwocky: “Not you, insignificant bearer. I mean the sword!”

Ahh! Now there’s some meat.

The idea that OTHERS have raised the Vorpal Sword against the Jabberwocky and FAILED. Now THERE’S an idea. THERE’S something interesting. THERE’S a bit of TENSION.

There’s a STORY.

If only they’d told us about THAT before all this malarky with big chins and bad CG.

But no.

The fight goes on.

And what happens is what you knew would happen from frame one.

Alice kills the Jabberwocky.

The Red Queen gets sent off with Crispn Glover.

And Johnny Depp does a truly AWFUL CG enhanced Dance to some form of Acid-fueled hip hop.

And we all sort of shuffle and harumph our way out of the theater.

Our pockets feel lighter. We give back our glasses.

We make slight mouth noises about it being “OK.” Even the kids look kind of cheated.

And we all think “Shouldn’t it have been better than that? Shouldn’t I have cared?”

“Shouldn’t my heart have soared and shuddered at the idea that Alice could . . . lose?”

Now, I’m not ranting on this to make fun of Hollywood (though that’s fun), or to hector Tim Burton (though he deserves hectoring. He’s done much better in the past  . . . the far past.)

But to make a point about marketing. (Seriously, I’m not kidding. Stop laughing.)

And that point is this:

Whether you’re making a movie, running a product launch or just trying to make a sale, it’s the STORY that matters.

I got in a conversation with a fellow Product Launch Manager not too long ago. He couldn’t figure out why a client had hired me instead of him for a project.

After all, he’s a lot better at the “tech stuff” than I am. He’s got bells on top of whistles. Big ideas. Cool bits of gadgetry.

Just like Alice in Wonderland, really. Lots of cool gadgetry. Lots of pretty pictures.

But no story worth giving a damn about.

And I’ll tell you right now, I don’t care how flashy your videos are, how hip your design, how nifty your social media . . . if you don’t have a story that gets into the hearts and minds of your prospects, you don’t got a damn thing.

Later.

(Of course Alice In Wonderland made a truckload of money. But you get the idea.)

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