Eh, you didn't really want a pony anyway.

Quick little language hack today . . . let me know what you think:

Are you a “can’t” person?

I know I am (or at least I used to be . . . I’ve gotten a lot better over the last few years.)

Faced with challenging, unpleasant or “Scary” tasks or even opportunities I’d often find myself saying or thinking “Oh, I *can’t* do that. I’ve got to much to do/I don’t have time/etc.”

Which is really, uh, bullshit.

Because generally when I say I “can’t” do something (whether it be helping a friend move or dropping everything to go on a crazy, stripper-filled trip to Vegas) I don’t mean I “can’t” do it at all . . .

I mean that I won’t do it . . .

Or I don’t WANT to do it . . .

Or I’m SCARED to do it . . .

Or I don’t know HOW to do it . . .

Or, heck, I just have something else already on my calendar that I’d RATHER do.

But I just don’t want to take the actual responsibility of saying so.

(OK, there are certainly things in this world that I’m physically, mentally or emotionally completely incapable of actually doing. I will never dunk a basketball. I will never seduce a goat. OK, I probably COULD seduce a goat but I DON’T WANT TO . . ugh. What am I talking about again?)

If you think about it, you’ll probably realize that saying “I can’t do that” is a bit of a get out of jail free card (and a dangerous one at that.)

It’s a way of deflecting an ambition or a request without taking any personal responsibility at all . . .

(Heck, I’ve got an Aunt who holds onto the word “Can’t” like a particularly fuzzy and warm teddy bear, keeping her safe and free from actually having to break out of her comfort zone and really do something with her life. Harsh but true.)

So how about instead of saying you “Can’t” do something, you ditch the BS and just say what you actually MEAN . . .

So “I can’t help you move on Sunday” becomes “I don’t want to help you move on Sunday.”

“I can’t quit my job and start my business” becomes “I’m SCARED of what will happen if I quit my job and PETRIFIED to find out that I’m not actually good enough to make my crazy idea work.”

And “I can’t take 2 weeks off to go do yoga in Thailand because I have too much work to do” becomes “I’M REALLY LAME.”

Anyway, you get the idea.

I’ve been playing this game for a few weeks now and, honestly, it’s scared the bejeezus out of me. I’ve suddenly started noticing a LOT more areas of my life where I’m limiting myself or taking the “easy route” instead of going after what I actually want.

And I’ve started, inch by inch, to eliminate those areas, take some responsibility and live a bit more.

So, can YOU eliminate “can’t” from your vocabulary?

Whatever you do, don’t tell me that you “can’t.”

Later.

A Compliment Is Like A Cupcake, It Should Never Be Turned Down.

Can you take a compliment?

I mean, can you really?

Odds are you can’t.

In fact, if you’re like most people you take a compliment the same way you take a punch . . .

. .  .with a sick little grimace on your face and a sudden, uncomfortable clenching of the bowels.

I see this all the time with my friends (and I used to see it in myself until I learned the “secret” I’m going to teach you today.)

I tell my buddy [NAME REDACTED] that he’s one of the most brilliant people that I know. . . that he’s got a mind like a beautiful clock and thoughts like leaves made of starlight,  and what does he do?

He goes into immediate sarcastic, self-deprecating, self-loathing American deflection mode.

He says . . .

“Yeah, well, maybe, nah, I’m nothing special, whatever, I actually suck, WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE . .  . blah blah blah.”

I tell my friend [NAME REDACTED] that she’s beautiful . . . that the shape of her sends a thrill through my whole damn body . .  .that her smile melts me and makes my inner caveman grunt, and what does she do?

She curls up her shoulders, slumps down into a slouch and gets a look on her face like I just kicked her kitten while singing the MaCarena at the top of my lungs (in German.) And then under her breathe she half-says “I’m not so bad, I guess. I mean, compared to really ugly people.”

And on and on and on . . .

It’s become kind of a sad game with me.

Telling people things that (to me) are fundamentally TRUE about them and watching as they squirm and squeal and suffer.

And then when they’re done . . . when they’ve gone through that little dance of ego-destruction I tell them this . ..

How To Take A Compliment The Right Way (And Without Feeling Like An Egotistical Asshole)

Here’s the secret: When you get right down to it, the only way to take a compliment (and to really take it well) is to look whoever’s giving you the compliment right in the eye, give them a warm, appreciative smile and say those MAGIC WORDS your Mom taught you . . .

“THANK YOU.”

No “Thank you, but you’re just saying that.” No “No, I’m really not.” No evasion or deflection at all.

Why?

Well, for a couple reasons.

1. If you “deflect” or “dodge” a compliment you’re actually INSULTING the person who complimented you.

Huh?

Well, think about it. If somebody goes to the effort of saying something NICE to you (even if it’s something that you fundamentally don’t believe

Only mimes and assholes say no to compliments. You're not a mime are you?

to be true) that means it’s real for them in that moment.

In their personal reality (and we all create our own reality every moment of every day) you really ARE smart/beautiful/sexy/charming/a marvelous dancer/incredibly badass.

And if you don’t take the compliment? If you minimize or dodge or deflect?

Well, you’re basically telling them they’re WRONG. Which is kind of like spitting in the face of someone who just tried to hand you a lollipop.

Basically, by trying to be “Modest” you’re actually being a dick.

And why the heck would you want to do that?

2. Not taking a compliment is being MEAN to yourself.

A while back I posted my “I Like Myself Game” and I really feel like this post is a “sister” to that one.

In my experience people who can’t take compliments aren’t “humble” at all . . . they’re just swimming in a mire of low self esteem . . .

It’s like they jumped off (or got pushed by hypercritical parents) off the edge of the “I’m awesome” boat and now they refuse to grab onto a life preserver no matter how hard you throw it.

(Heck, when you throw them a life preserver they actually throw it back at you, vicious like the death frisbee from “I Come In Peace.”)

3. Accepting A  Compliment Is Not About You!!

This is only a gradient different than point 1, but I think it’s worth it’s own number.

The thing you’ve got to realize is that when someone gives you a compliment, it’s NOT ACTUALLY ABOUT YOU. It’s about their perception and experience of you in that exact moment. And you don’t have to BELIEVE the compliment in order to accept it.

For instance . . .

Over the last year or so I’ve had a LOT of people tell me that I’m “Confident” and “Handsome” (Also that I’m an excellent dancer, that my skin smells like freedom, that I have the voice of a reincarnated cat-version of Elvis Presley and that being within 10 feet of me is like being in the presence of a newly awakened demi-god of funk. Who ARE these people? What is WRONG with them?)

And personally, I don’t really get it.

In the back of my head I’m still the awkward, skinny, oddly-shaped, marble-mouthed geek I was back in High School. I’ve just  gained a little “man-weight,” figured out how to “play” in the world at large and learned WAY too much about persuasion and how to talk to people.

But I don’t SAY that . . .

I just smile, nod and say “thanks, that’s really nice of you.”

Because I know that at the core, the compliment I’m getting isn’t about who I AM at a fundamental level, but about who I SEEM TO BE at that moment.

And since it’s not really about me, I can say “thanks” really easily, catalog the compliment away in the back of my brain and roll it around like candy later.

OK, Here’s The Fun Part .  .  .

OK, if you’re one of those “Can’t take a compliment” people this is going to be painful. But here’s what  I want you to do . . .

Next time someone gives you a compliment (whether it’s on something superficial like your looks or something deep like the QUALITY OF YOUR SOUL) . . .

1. Take a deep breathe. You’ll probably feel that “deflection” response welling up inside you. Don’t ignore it. Look at it. Feel it. And then choose not to react to it.

2. Realize that the compliment really isn’t about you. And since it’s not REALLY about you (though it is at least PARTIALLY about you) you don’t have to run away from it.

2. Look them right in the eye (even if you REALLY want to look away) and as calmly as you can say “Thank you.”

3. Throw a little smile on the back end of it for tailspin.

4. Notice what happens to the person who gave you the compliment. Notice how it just makes their DAY to have you accept what they say so openly. (Usually they kind of glow.)

5. Do it again and again and again until this “Sticks.”

6. Find those other people out in the world who can’t take compliments either (there are a lot of them) and teach them what I just taught you here today. At first they will hate you for it. And then they’ll come back and give you a really friendly back rub.

(No, I have no marketing lesson in all of this. Except for maybe that being sincerely thankful to your customers is a great way to build long term love.)